TAKING BACK CONTROL
THE FIRST 3 SIMPLE STEPS TO REGAINING CONTROL AND DIRECTION IN YOUR LIFE.
There was an overwhelming response to my last blog post, which made me realize that many people have faced similar struggles in their life journeys. It's important to note that most people suffer in silence and try to cope with their challenges inwardly or ‘get on with life’. If you're one of these people, it's essential to take a moment to acknowledge that you're going through a tough time. Once you accept this fact, you can begin to be kinder to yourself in the coming weeks and months.
As for my own experience with burnout, I also consumed it inwardly in silence. I didn't want anyone to notice that something was wrong with me. Looking back, it was obvious! I didn't want to let anyone into my vulnerable space to see what was happening. As women, we often feel like we must handle everything ourselves without seeking help or showing that we are struggling. While we're great at multitasking and handling many things at once, it shouldn't come at the cost of our well-being.
Despite my struggle with burnout, I've had many successes in my life. I've experienced both highs and lows, and I've had to learn, adapt, and figure things out along the way, like everyone else. Recurring burnout was my biggest challenge, but I overcame it with time, attention, and consistency in the areas I needed to work on. Whether you're suffering silently or just trying to cope, here are the top three things that helped me start my recovery and live my best life.
Tip 1: Slow down
Slowing down may sound basic, but it's far from easy. As someone who has battled with anxiety and stress caused by a self-volunteered busy lifestyle, I know first-hand how challenging it can be to slow down to everyone else’s ‘normal’ pace. When you're accustomed to juggling multiple tasks, living off adrenaline, and constantly checking items off your to-do list, it's tough to step back and slow down completely. I really struggled with this!
However, I knew that recovering from burnout and an overwhelming lifestyle would be a marathon, not a sprint for me. How did I begin? I didn’t volunteer every time something needed to get done. I remember feeling like I should take on extra volunteer jobs at school when it was opened to the staff. Ordinarily, I would offer myself up to all sorts of things, but instead of quitting everything, I decided to take on one less job. It was tough to be in that space. I felt guilty a lot.
However, I realized that there are always more people on the staff rota, committee group, volunteer sheet, or family group who had as much or as little time as I did. That's why I suggest taking it slowly and reducing your workload bit by bit. Slowing to a place in life where you can give time to others while also taking care of yourself. It may start simply as sharing the house chores, kids’ activities, or dinner preparation to feel like you have gained some time back. It really did need to be that basic for me.
After a while of not taking on every task I was asked to do, the guilt slowly eased, and I accepted that things would get done, even if it wasn’t by me.
How can you slow down when you have so many commitments on your plate?
1. Identify the area in your life that needs immediate action. Only you can assess this and begin taking steps toward improvement.
2. Write down your greatest area that needs to change in your life and write 3 things that you can do to make a change. Focus only on this area before you move on to any other area of your life.
3. Give yourself a week/month/season of pure focus, reflect, and tweak it if you need to. It’s a marathon, remember!
Tip 2: Accountability
For the most part, when people asked me to do things, I would say ‘yes’. I said yes to everything because I felt bad or guilty for saying no. I put pressure on myself and set standards for myself and my contribution to the world even though I knew I was putting myself under too much pressure. Maybe I was in competition with my own standards (and I was the one who set them!).
I was also my own worst critic back then. To the point that I would constantly berate myself for not being enough, doing enough, or helping enough. It took my complete exhaustion to maintain it all and discover that in saying ‘YES’ to everyone else, I was saying ‘NO’ to myself.
I needed to take responsibility for that and eliminate the inner critic. Slowly but surely, in my life, I had to acknowledge that it was my responsibility to manage my own activities, offer to help others and observe that I really was stretching myself. I became more accountable for what I said yes or no to. Eventually, I started to carve out more of the life I wanted and less of the life I was living to please other people. I began to reset my standards.
How can you become more accountable to yourself?
1. Keep it simple. What must happen on an everyday basis for which I am accountable/responsible? This could be work and family duties. This is exactly where my list started. I added to it as I discovered what needed to happen regularly. In reality, urgent things crop up and need immediate attention, so adaptability is important, too.
2. After a period of adjustment, I began to look at my list of responsibilities that were overstretching me. Suddenly, by focusing on my list of priorities and being accountable for them, I could see the extra responsibilities that were causing me to lose my free time away from the things I cherished doing and the people I loved to spend time with. I began to say yes to myself.
3. Schedule your priorities; don’t prioritize your schedule. You are the boss. Once you take ownership of being the captain of your ship, setting your ship's course will become clearer and more efficient.
Tip 3: Boundaries
Setting boundaries is easier said than done. But, when it came to giving my time and energy to others, I had no boundaries. As I mentioned, I found it extremely difficult to say no to anything I was asked to do. Most of the time, we do things to help and facilitate our community/ charity/ families somehow. Knowing when we’ve taken on just a little bit too much is key.
As I said previously, the hardest part of saying no was the feeling of guilt for not being able to fulfill all requests from others. I always wanted to help and people-please. One of my very close friends advised me on how to adapt to change and set boundaries. She suggested that when asked to do something, I say, ‘Can I get back to you after I check my diary?’
What a simple piece of advice!! She literally had to spell it out for me as I was so accustomed to saying yes immediately with no regard for my own time! ‘Help out’ in my world means taking the project to the highest level possible with huge investments of time and energy. Over time I learned to say ‘yes’, more slowly, and it was the best advice I could ever have been given.
Does this resonate with you? Are you biting off more than you can chew? Pay attention to yourself. Do you have boundaries or need more boundaries in your life?
How can I begin to set boundaries?
1. Check your diary before jumping into a new project. Sunday night is a great night to do this before the start of a new week. It clarifies what is coming up, what’s urgent, and if you have space in your diary for anything new. People will respect that you need to take time to consider new projects. It enables you to see if it aligns with your goals and lifestyle.
2. Make sure your boundaries align with your values and lifestyle. If you don’t want to set a boundary, don’t. Trust your instincts regarding where boundaries are needed and make them accordingly. Boundaries become obvious when certain activities and people are non-negotiable for you in your life, meaning you know who and what you want and don’t want in your life. Do your current boundaries align with how you want to live your life?
3. Stick to them. There is no point in setting new terms and conditions to try to change your life if you don’t give yourself a chance to adapt to them.
These are such basic tips, but I had to start somewhere. The keys to success are keeping it simple, clear, concise, and aligning with your reality. Don’t forget to take your time. It won’t all change overnight. The aim is that marginal changes are discreet and slow so that they are attainable. The Power of the 1% Rule. Make a 1% change each day, which will add up over the course of your season.
1% is all you need to make a new habit stick. If you relax and give yourself permission to improve a little each day, you will begin to see big strides toward your goal. It adds up to being 37 times better in a year, according to James Clear, author of ‘Atomic Habits’.
I want to hear your story if you feel that you can no longer continue this life trajectory. Get the baggage off your back, and talk to me confidentially and immediately.
Live Well,
Claire 🌈
claire@thebrightlifecoaching.com
