Give Your Kids the Benefit of the Doubt!
I heard a crash in the next room and jumped to see what happened. My kids stood beside a cracked ceramic pot, dirt pouring out. I set my jaw and turned to face them. “What happened?” They both started explaining and finger-pointing at the same time. I held up my palms. “Look. I know you didn’t mean to break my pot, but playing tag inside isn’t a good idea.” Guilty looks passed between them, but the tension noticeably decreased.
Why? For one reason.
When our kids misbehave, it’s natural to want to chew them out and assign punishments. But if we pause and instead start by assuming the best in them, some wonderful things happen. Here are four times it helps to give kids the benefit of the doubt.
1. When They’re Tired
“I know you’re tired, lovey,” I said. “But we have to leave in a half hour.” My daughter cracked open one eye and offered me a sleepy smile. When you start a conversation by giving your child the benefit of the doubt (she didn’t mean to keep sleeping past her alarm), it creates a more positive mood. And the chances of cooperation increase. Another example is telling them they are so good to get up in the morning and thank them. ( it helps them aspire to be that great morning person, even if they are not)
Licensed clinical social worker Joseph Sacks says, “Parenting with the benefit of the doubt means always assuming the child had good intentions, that from his point of view, the mistake was the logical choice, but stressors and inexperience prevented him from making a wiser one.”
Because our kids are still developing impulse control, we can give them the benefit of the doubt when they make mistakes. Doing so will help reduce conflicts and create a positive learning environment at home.
2. When They Don’t Seem to Notice Their Surroundings
I had pasta boiling on the cooker, and the sweet smell of caramelized onions wafted through the kitchen. Well, at least I thought it did. I couldn’t believe it when my kids came in the back door and threw their books on the dinner table. “Hey guys,” I said. “You probably didn’t realize dinner was almost ready. Maybe you can help by removing your books and helping me set the table?” Assuming the best (rather than the worst) in our kids creates a warmer atmosphere at home and tells them you believe in their goodness.
Take it a step further by saying- hey, Cialadh, you have a steady hand from your gymnastics. Can you do the glasses of water? Tiarnan, you were very neat when you set out the cutlery. Can that be your job today?
It is a constant act of positive reinforcement to your child. Essentially, you are coaching your child to grow toward using the positive reinforcements you have shared with them.
3. When They Have a Lot on Their Plates
In first grade, my son started to feel the pressure of getting his work done ‘on time’ at school. This is still a developmental stage for kids ( so there is no such thing as ‘on time.’ He had a heavier workload than pre-school and balanced sports and music lessons after school. It got a little overwhelming.
Occasionally, he’d be very tired in the morning, and school starts early here. He would often plead to stay in bed longer and tell me his brain was going to explode in the evening. He didn’t want to go. I said one morning. Could it be you feel that school is difficult at the moment?” “Tell me more about that.”
Sacks says, “Children see themselves the way their parents see them, so by truly viewing them positively, you create true self-esteem…” Giving him the benefit of the doubt tells him you believe in his goodness no matter what. It is also better for his emotional health and your relationship.
4. When They Say or Do Something Hurtful
“Hey, that’s not like you to say mean words like that to me or get cross straight after school,” I said. “What’s going on?” My daughter sighed, her eyes bulging at me. After some conversation, I found out that she was overwhelmed with so many new systems to learn at school when she first arrived. She needs to unleash it after holding it together all day at school. So, she was acting out. It’s not an excuse, but it puts things in perspective and makes it easier for me to address.
When you give your kids the benefit of the doubt, you let them know you don’t see their behavior as an ingrained fault or mark on their character. We can be disappointed, and they must know certain unacceptable behaviors. But they also need to know we don’t think this is who they are. When you say, “That’s not like you,” their self-worth doesn’t take a hit.
If you’ve been more critical of your child in the past, how can you give him the benefit of the doubt next time he misbehaves?
ASK YOUR CHILD…
I hope this helps as you navigate the world with your child!
Claire xx
claire@thebrightlifecoaching.com
@thebrightlifecoaching
